Jargon Nerd Pillows

'Actually, the term is sanguinous crust. . .'

'When we get there let me do the double talking.'

"The data looks good, sir, but the vibes are mucho heavioso."

Solicitor speaks legal jargon and has a translator who tells client: 'You haven't a hope!'

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

Punctuation Police

What's normal?

"If Google Translate is correct, they want our women and our cattle."

"My report to the board was perfect. They did not understand a word of it and now think I'm smarter than them."

"We don't call them 'horns' anymore. They're interactive audio crash deterrent stimulators."

"Our detractors call it suburban sprawl, but I prefer thinking of our plan as 'sustainable over-development!'"

In a world where spelling doesn't count.

Stressed employee says to colleague: 'I think I'm on top of the situation and I hope I'm in the loop, but I can't seem to get ahead of the curve.'

I love it when you speak Wall Streetese. Say 'to the upside' for me.

"Here comes a client I must speak to. Excuse me while I slip into some jargon."

'And from what we've been able to determine, this is the tweak that broke the paradigm's back.'

"My resume is concise, succinct and eloquently worded. I only hope they know what I'm talking about."

"This is what we call a 'customer', or more accurately a 'potential profit centre.'"

Sign that says 'This is not a sign.'

'Instead of cubicles, we call them interconnected productivity centres.'

Intellectual Property

"We owe our success to teamwork. Without it we could never have grasped at so many straws."

'Here's the good news. 'Happy camper' and 'are we having fun yet' have been added to the official list of banned cliches.'

"I propose the next person who says 'it is what it is,' we beat the living hell out of him."

What Business People often say (and what they really mean)

Man sees misspelled 'Minimum Competency Testing' sign on door.

"I liked it better when you used gobbledygook."

Language purists bring correctness to a whole new level, forcing a name change for Ireland's most famous band.

"Oh, and add a couple of intentional typos to my weekly email update...I want to appear warm and authentic!!"

"Come to my office. I need to cascade with you offline."

'I'm very worried that if we fail to introduce rigid protocols to maximise client gratification indices within acceptable costbenefit parameters to ensure enhanced margins...then we'll have missed the whole point of what Christmas is about!!!'

"I hear you've got quite a reputation with the girls around the office."

"Our cloud computing services include IaaS, PaaS, SaaS, NaaS, CaaS...and BaaS!"

Since I took over the department, I've turned it around 360 degrees.