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'The Electronic Health Records software works very well. I entered the patient's medications, vitals, and allergies. The software calculated the course of treatment, projected outcome, and anticipate insurance reimbursement.'

"We need to update your entire operating system."

"I'm sorry, but the doctor no longer sees patients in person. But he does take e-mail from 9 to 3."

'Having all this information on my patient's diagnostics is great, but I think I need a degree in data analytics to sort it all out...'

'I decide reimbursement rates at the Healthcare Exchange of Oz!'

'These young doctors know nothing, I used to see 500 patients every day...'

'I know a lot of you have been sharing your opinions regarding health care and I just wanted to remind you, stay out of the road!'

"Just think of this prescription as an app for your body...with side effects."

'Talk about high-tech! You'll be getting a pacemaker ipod combo.'

NHS computer: Kaput.

Hold on - it may take a few minutes for his new pacemaker to sync with his Fitbit.

Gps fear loss of 'level playing field' as private providers and APMS contractors compete for work.

That's my diagnosis. If you want a second opinion, I will ask my Smart Phone

'There's no cure, but the good news is we have some great support groups!'

"The patient handed me this 'wearable technology' and said 'all the answers are on there'."

'This new diet drug comes as a pill, patch, or as a phone app with Siri saying, don't eat so much.'

"I'm referring you to a doctor with different software."

'I had a larger sample for you but I had trouble getting the lid back on. . .'

"Take two aspirin and email me in the morning."

'If I do decide to get a second opinion, can I get it at your blog?'

"The healthcare industry has made a lot of advances in billing technology."

'I can't ask you about your age or any health issues. Our insurance provider does, however, require all new hires to sign a ‘Do Not Resuscitate' order.'

"I've lost my voice. Is it contagious?"

'Don't worry about the workload. The boss upgraded the computer.'

'I'm afraid the surgeon couldn't perform your operation, because you weren't wearing clean underpants.'

"It's the only way I can get some of my patience to listen to me!"

Required health insurance?

'I feel a lot better! I hacked into your computer and reduced my insurance co-pay.'

Medical Data Base of Useful Information, 5K. Medical Data base of useless information, 500,000,000 MB.

'We don't know what you have or how to cure it - all we can do is bill you.'

'I'm counting on you to explain to your parents how to view the e-updates on the healthcare plan.'

Man enters Gastroenterologist's and has two doors: "Spleen Vent" and "Gut Check"

'By the way - what kind of health insurance do we have?'

Dr. Jarvik, and his lesser known invention, the artificial soul.

NHS blames GPs for lack of flu vaccine