Interview Prep Pioneer T-Shirts

"So, Ms. Mayfly. Where do you see yourself in five years?"

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

I think you'll appreciate my resume. It's printed on a fridge magnet.

"I'll tell you what I'm looking for! I'm looking for a yes man, Jenson. Do you think you could fit that bill?"

"These are excellent qualifications... so good that our largest competitor would gladly pay you twice as much."

"Your answers sound rehearsed."

'I'm doing a school report on 'the aging process,' Dad -- can I interview you?'

"Maybe this isn't the right heartless monolithic corporation for you."

"What other skills do you obtain other than being able to answer interview questions?"

"The job is yours. You're a jerk, we're all jerks, I think it'll be a great fit!"

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

'Maybe we should have been a bit more specific in the ad...'

'You seem qualified. What concerns me is the car you're driving. It's not sending out the right message.'

'I see an applicant being hired!'

'Send in the next applicant Ms Jones.'

"I didn't bring a resume. I brought coffee and donuts."

"And just how long have you been, 5' 10"?"

'We need someone bright, someone quick to take notice.'

"What sets you apart from other candidates?"

Multi-Species Employment Agency. Did you hire the octopus for that job opening? Yeah, but I did interview other applicants. The frog was a strong candidate ... I'm flexible on location -- I'm an amphibian! The whale seemed to be hiding something. The gap in my resume? Uh ... I was beached for a while. And the pig wasn't smart. I see "USDA Approved" on your resume --- I don't think you understand what that means. The octopus got the job because he was a great multitasker!

'...the job is so much harder when you don't know what you are doing.'

"You're the type who'll make me prove every claim I make."

"Very nice résumé. Leave a sample of your DNA with my secretary."

'What else do you have going for you besides being aggressive?'

"Clueless, malleable and not a boat-rocker - you'll go far."

"Where would you say you are on the confidence/cockiness spectrum?"

'We're not hiring. The company is just giving me some experience conducting interviews.'

"You say in your resume that you're very meticulous."

"References? Well, I just got six references from the guys in your waiting room."

"You have excellent academic credentials and a wonderful work history but we try not to profile people."

A candidate makes their greatest impact on an interviewer in the first few minutes...

"You should hire me now, before my skills completely deteriorate."

"Hmmm...impressive CV! Y'know, I have a feeling that you'll go far in this company...."