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'One good thing about the salary - you won't be liable for income tax.'

Zombie standup

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

"Why do they do that?"

"Let's just say I have a pre-existing condition."

CSI: Mother Goose Unit...'Hmmm...I'm beginning to suspect that perhaps mister Dumpty's demise wasn't simply a tragic accident.'

"When is my next parole hearing?"

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

"A retired superhero's re-purposed utility belt"

Bad fake tan day.

Giraffe Umbrella

Old navy veteran 3rd base coach

A Fairytale Update

Baby knocks old lady out with pram toy.

"Okay, you both know the rules: no trash talk, no batting the other guy all over the house if he’s unconscious, watch the claws and nails..."

Summer 2000: Children stumble upon the remains of Linda Tripp's old head.

Vlad the Impala

"That's it lads, 364 days annual leave...what would we have done without our union!"

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

The Rooster Comedian.

'He who laughs last probably doesn't get it.'

'I got 100 in school today. 50 in history and 50 in maths.'

What nationality were your parents? North or south Poles?

"Lordy, I am such a klutz!"

Caddie brings his golfer a shovel in the sand trap.

'Sometimes, laughter is the best medicine.'

"Out damn Spot

Godzillla eating people using telephone poles as chopsticks.

'Camping is nature's way of promoting B&Bs.'

"If God had meant us to fly, he'd give us more leg room!"

"That is an outrageous slur."

'Just follow these simple instructions.'