Interview Coach T-Shirts

'Your performance rating is terrible, Fenwick, but I like your looks.'

"The job is yours. You're a jerk, we're all jerks, I think it'll be a great fit!"

'We all operate the same rules here... the only difference is that you will do so with much less power and resources.'

'Him? Oh, he's my job interview coach.'

'We will need a standard resume in addition to this beautiful needlepoint recommendation from your mother.'

"Good interview, Barnes. The crying, begging and pandering were a nice tough."

During an interview, it's important to be succinct and avoid too many digressions or side issues.

"For the first year, you get a cost-of-living raise every three months. Then, you hit the donut hole."

'You do realize the emphasis this company places on chins?'

"Any other job skills besides whistling while you work?"

"As you have surmised, we're big on the team approach in our company."

"He's ready for you now. Don't forget to ask for the job at the end of the interview."

"I'll tell you what I'm looking for! I'm looking for a yes man, Jenson. Do you think you could fit that bill?"

"Thank you - it's not often I get a belly-laugh anymore. Here's your resume."

"Do you have any questions apart from 'where did I get my jazzy tie'?"

"When I said you need to change I didn't mean it into ME!"

'You know, I was buying this resume until I got to the part about you serving on your town's Ouija Board.'

"Hmmm...impressive CV! Y'know, I have a feeling that you'll go far in this company...."

"Experience with repackaged debt? Oh, sure. Lots."

"No self-aggrandizement anywhere. And you call yourself an applicant?"

Interview anxiety

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

"I'm sorry, but you wait patiently on the line for an operator. We're looking for someone who immediately pushes 3 for more options."

'And have you ever sat in the sun before?'

"Yours is a most impressive résumé, and you've scented it with beef."

'We are an equal opportunity employer; but you're really pushing it.'

'Scoutmasters aren't usually used as references.'

'Apparently, your interview was going very well, until you did that on his bonsai tree.'

'As with all the other candidates, if you could write your expected salary on this piece of paper, we can then move on to the next stage.'

'Your people work Monday through Friday? - Every Monday through Friday?'

'Ours is traditional company, so no thinking outside the box.'

"I'm very good at acting like I know what I'm doing."

"Goodness, this interview sure consists of an unusual number of hypothetical questions about how to hide a corpse."

"You have excellent academic credentials and a wonderful work history but we try not to profile people."

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.