Hospital Hilarity Seeker Pillows

"Good?"

"Today, you have Teresa Smith on 3E, Tim Jones on 4N and Hilda Beauregard on 2S... and I'll look in the on the rest."

Patients with HMO dread anesthesia.

'Congratulations, its a six pound biker.'

'When I asked if she was critical I didn't mean verbally!'

'Where did you say the new anaesthetist trained?'

'OK, the old one's in my right hand, the donor's in my left. Rght?'

"And as soon as he's on the mend,we'll get the physiotherapist in here with a ball of twine."

"We're keeping you overnight because the nurses love you!"

Swiss army hospital...'scalpel...'

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

'Believe me, Mr, Hart, Laughter really is the best medicine,'

'It's nothing that a few stem cells and 75 years of research can't fix.'

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

'Sorry, staff shortage.'

An organ flies across the room during an operation - 'Catch it...!'

"Nurse, when I asked you to make the patient more comfortable I just meant plump up his pillows!"

'No, I don't think it a cute idea! Get rid of him and turn in your supervisor's uniform!'

"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"

'Did you remove my appendix? Yes, both of them.'

STRIP Hambone: Businessman in hospital with his computer

"Since he was born today he won't begin daycare until tomorrow."

"I never imagined I'd be up on my feet this soon."

'You seem quieter tonight. Did they give you something to help you relax?'

'I only got up for a drink of water, and a queue's formed next to my bed.'

'Veins...arteries...I told you I can never tell one from another.'

'I'm afraid it's bad news Mr.Hooper, I've just got the report on your finances.'

"Grandmother, what big diastolic numbers you have."

'Well I haven't had a chance to review all your readings in depth, but if I were to be forced to make an educated guess I'd say that your were knackered!'

"She's losing a lot of cream cheese. We're going to have to cut her open."

While you're at it, will you sew on my shirt button please?

"I didn't see the coffee table in the middle of the room, due to my visual impairment, caused by the rubbish light emitted by the government approved 150 watt energy saving bulb in my apartment..."

'Yeah, bit how does the stork get into the maternity room?'

"It says you need a CT scan and that the azaleas in the corner need to be watered twice daily."

'I know my instruments are sterilized every day but I have no idea who does it.'