Hospital Care Pillows

"The surgery went well. It had spread, but I'm quite confident we got it all."

'OK this time, but tomorrow you're going on a diet!'

Hospital.

'And this is nurse Jenkins...who we'll be blaming if the hospital kills your husband...'

'Turns out medicine is the best medicine.'

'Rooms are £200 a day. Did you want nurses...? Bed...? Sheets...?...'

"He's on life support. Mostly support."

'Sorry, shortage of staff.'

Saline Drip Sommelier.

"You don't think his stitches are TOO tight,do you?"

"Enjoy."

'You need the toilet...I'll just go and get someone less qualified.'

'And if you like we can arrange for you to receive next to last rites on the morning of your surgery.'

Temperature / Blood Pressure / Finances

'OK, how about something a little more upbeat?'

Don't worry about your insurance. When it runs out, Discharge Nurse Sweeeney will have you out of here in no time!

"When they said they were bringing in students I thought they meant MEDICAL students."

'Theoretical medicine sounds fascinating, but maybe you can get a regular doctor in here, too.'

'Alright! Everybody sit up!'

"Are you in there, Mr Elkins?"

Healthy living has added years to Melvin's life.

'Thanks, but I don't expect you to chew my food for me.'

"Hello, A and E, which department do you need, stabbing, shooting or general GBH?"

Hospital porter leaving brain behind

'I'll try to get sent off early luv, so I can take you to the hospital for your operation.'

'Level with me, Doc — it's contagious, isn't it?'

'He's feeling more 'up to par' today, Doctor.'

Prison officers' hospital visit.

Doctor tells sick patient: 'The good part, if you're looking to impress, is that it's not a disease, it's a syndrome.'

'Wow: The new man who's filling in for you is the best worker I've EVER seen...'

'Your master isn't due for release until the first of the month.'

What's the benchmark for waiting times in hospital?

'We're going to keep him for a few days and run some tests. Will you be needing a loaner?'

'I know it's overdue but I've been in Intensive Care.'

"And when the canyon fills up, that's it; herd immunity."