Horoscope Doubter Prints

'According to this rubbish I'm going on a long journey.'

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"Let me just check my email, my texts, my missed calls, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, my credit score, my horoscope, the results of this latest personality test, the S. & P., the Dow, the news, this article about cute dogs, and the weather, and then we can go."

'I sense that someone is about to swindle you.' 'Wow, thanks for the warning! How much do I owe you?'

"You can't possibly know how I feel. Everybody likes you."

"The Chinese Zodiac told me to marry a sheep. Who am I to question hundreds of years of ancient Chinese wisdom?"

"First they came for the horoscope and the crossword and I did nothing. Then they came for the cartoonists and there was no-one left to satirise it."

'If you had been born two days later you'd have been kind and clever with a great sense of humour.'

'My horoscope said I was going to make someone happy today.'

"Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, when Jupiter is in his 6th house or Saturn is in his 2nd, until death do you part?"

'No wonder I'm exhausted. Look at my horoscope.'

Your climb up the company ladder starts now.

'My horoscope says I'm due for a surprise today.'

'My horoscope said I would be taking a long trip today.'

You will awake to discover a dream come true.

"We're not compatible. I'm a Virgo and your an idiot..."

"My real money comes from my TV news appearances predicting stock market rises and falls."

"May I remind you that I'm still in charge here, Baskin. And when I say, 'Jump,' you say, 'How many floors.'"

It says, you're going to meet a nice Pisces for a romantic dinner.

'Don't you think it's strange that all snakes are Aries, Taurus or Gemini...?'

Door labelled: 'False Economy Analysis & Research.'

'Hmphh, your horoscope says you're going to have a date, with a Taurus, and I'm a Gemini.'

Al, you look nonplussed. I just heard that they discovered a new astrological sign, and my birthday now falls under the sign of the jackass.

"Siri, are you out of your mind?!"

Horoscope - Look out for Large Windfall (Man crushed by giant apple).

"On a scale of one to ten. How happy would you say you are?"

'According to my horoscope one of us is going on a long journey.'

'Ha ha! You've been afraid of someone else's future!'

'I'm a Pisces.'

'Is this a trick question?'

'I don't believe in astrology. I think that's because I'm a Leo.'

'Dr. Hall's horoscope says not to tamper with another person's heart, so he's postponing your bypass surgery until next week.'

'With all due respect for your horoscope, your loan payment is still due today.'

'Today's horoscope...Uranus is shining brightly and you'll have a chance encounter with a Leo...Huh!...what a load of mumbo jumbo'

"Libra (September 23-October 23): Busy, busy, busy."