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'I'm here to check the condition your condition is in.'

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

Dietician to man: 'To address your spare tire we must first get in touch with your inner tube.'

'I checked the database, Mrs. Nimitz. There's no such symptom.'

"Things are still a little rough for me, and occasionally I lose hope and get depressed—but I'm getting stronger every day."

"Your contents have shifted."

'I'm ninety-two! Tell me what I'm doing wrong... I dare you!"

'There they go - off on their own - and a finer bunch of fledgelings one couldn't ask.'

"Today we'll be performing some much needed maintenance on Miss Trimbles weak pelvic floor."

Good Cop/Bad Cholesterol

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

"Your bad cholesterol is trying to persuade your good cholesterol to switch sides."

Studies show foods work miracles!

"Can you come back? We're still counting carbs."

"When I grow up, I want to go into medicine and help people who can pay out of pocket."

'Your reflexes are still good!'

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

Kid with 'Little Wellness Facilitator' kit

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

"What do you mean 'sitting is the new smoking'? I thought fat was the new smoking?"

'It's perfectly normal for middle-aged men to put on a little weight.'

'If you want to live a long time, try not to do anything that will kill you.'

"Daddy, you have to flatten this curve."

"Can Johnny come out and eat?"

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

'We're all out of flu vaccine - how about something for anxiety...?'

Coming Soon - Maternity Clinic. Coming Soon After - Law Firm Dealing in Medical Malpractice.

'What's wrong with me, Doctor?' 'I have no idea! That information comes within doctor-patient confidentiality.'

Begin this high fiber diet slowly. Too fast and your co-workers may complain of a greenhouse effect.

'It's the only known prevention for swine flu...Big bad wolf serum...'

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

'I asked if you were affiliated with an HMO not a UFO.'

Corona Funeral

Institute of Health next to Alternative medicine dept

"When was the last time you exercised something other than a purchase option?"