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"You seem to have an overactive thyroid."

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..

MEDICAL SCHOOL, 'I didn't know you COULD specialize in insurance.'

"Remember, if I'm ever on life support unplug me... then plug me back in. See if that works."

"...for a canal I thought that was unusually short."

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

The Physiciatrist...

Dr. Saltine, pioneer of salt transplants.

'Side effects may include....'

'I've got this feeling, like a heavy weight on my stomach.'

'It's either a boo-boo or an owwie, but the doctors need to run some more tests before they decide.'

'You've got the worst case of whatever this is, I've ever seen.'

"I try to 'go with the flow' doc, but my prostate is an unwilling participant!"

'Now that's what I call rejection.'

It's a pretty serious chemical imbalance, Mr. Sims

'I understand you know how to treat a woman.'

'Tell the doctor to hurry. It's an emergency. I just turned middle aged!'

M.D. You burned a hole in your stomach --- eat only bland foods from now on! No more spicy food?! It's a season-ending injury!

"Here comes the super-visor."

"I've had a sore throat ever since we moved near the airport!"

Groups of menopausal women in clinic.

'I'm prescribing a laxative pill and a sleeping pill. Never, never take them together.'

'Good lord, Mrs. Frost, how long has he been running a fever?!'

"While you were under, I had all your friends come in and sign your heart stent."

"You have a heart murmur and I'm starting to hear your liver and kidneys complain."

'Have you been taking your medicine every day?'

"I don't know - the minute I figured out how to make it self-aware it realized it was naked, ran, and hid from me."

NHS notice - This is a bring your own bed hospital

'We can't afford advertising like this! That's one page for the drug and two just for the side effects!'

'I'm sending you to see another doctor, he's a specialist in hyperchondria.'

"Tell me Mr. Jones. Does it hurt when I do this?"

'If you want a second opinion, come back tomorrow, and I'll tell you the same thing.'

"How am I supposed to trust my gut when it can't even handle a little dairy?"

'Periodic table and avoirdupois weight of the Mendeleev family'

"You're in the "Stone Age." You've got kidney stones, gall stones, and bladder stones."