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'It's the most effective appetite suppressant available,'

'I think my gastric band's too tight.'

"They've sold out of massages, dear, but I've booked us a romantic couples' colonoscopy."

'How is the detox going?'

'I take it this wasn't quite the outcome you were expecting from your 'spot reduction diet'?'

No. 83 In A Series OF Extraordinary Unlikely Events.

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

'Maybe you could get dressed faster if you lost that speed bump around your waist.'

'Losing weight is a little scary -- I get the feeling that I'm phasing myself out!'

"I think you've got a bad case of 'yo-yo dieting.'"

"Instead of cigarettes, you could try nicotine chewing gum..."

"Sorry, I only weigh one person at a time."

'Looks like Shelia has overdone it with the cream scones this week!'

Diet now...ask me how. 'I spent $600 at the fat farm and haven't lost a single kilo, apparently you're supposed to show up...'

Ed finally had to admit that his body was less of a temple and more of a worn-out parish church with a bouncy castle out front.

"According to this chart, I'm the exact weight for my height."

Weight and Misfortune.

'Here's my mother's number in case I don't make it.'

This is the tenth box of patches he's bought in the last two days!

'Nowadays we want all our food to be ethically sourced, Personally I'd be happy if it was all chocolated sauced,'

'Almost everything I have hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work!'

Begin this high fiber diet slowly. Too fast and your co-workers may complain of a greenhouse effect.

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

'Barb had her stomach replaced with a mouse's stomach to help her eat less.'

"Push harder - I still can't see the scale."

"Would you like me to give it to you straight or sugar-coated?"

"You need to lose 20 cable channels."

"Grandmother, what big diastolic numbers you have."

'I did have a tummy-tuck...But I opted for reconstruction surgery at the same time.'

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

Dieting Motivation.

"I’d like to return my Fitbit—It won’t stop calling me a lazy piece of sh*t."

'It's not my fault that I've developed habits that cannot be sustained.'

"You're just a shell of your former self. You need to improve your diet."