Health Hype Prints

"How long have you had the blank stare?"

"Covid 19 is still of course a growing concern, would you like our leaflet on social distancing?"

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

"..Your analysis and medication would be perfect if you were a goat."

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

'Where exactly did you get this 'Lifestyle Guru' from?'

"He's so anti-regulation he won't even take a laxative."

'Frank, leak to the tabloids that these slow moving broccoli flakes cure cancer.'

'Look, half the work is done! All you need to do is fill in the top part so we can legally say the bottom part.'

The council wanted us to have a Healthy Lifestyle Monitor

"I'm pleased to say our dishes all have too much kale."

'Coins, when swallowed, cause cancer. Perhaps money should be banned.'

'When I die could you preserve my liver for medical research? You've done that already.'

"In a nutshell Mr. Beesley, you have hypochondria."

"To play it safe, I still take one aspirin every other day."

'What can you give me for my liver?' 'A pound of onions!'

"So all these years you never did yoga but just walked around carrying the mat?"

'Can I trust a Doctor whose prescriptions have absolutely no side effects?'

Dr. Nutrition, would you say our tuna sandwiches could prevent hair loss? Dr. Nutrition. Given how furry you are, I'll take that as a yes. I will tell our customers the great news. I really appreciate your input, Dr. Nutrition. You are a valued scientific authority. The key to a successful scam is maintaining the pretense at all times.

"They harvest our noses then liquify them and drink the juice. They believe it gives them special powers called 'antioxidants'."

'Frankly, the diet I'm putting you on will include things that you probably wouldn't consider 'food' as such.'

You're going to give me a hay fever shot? Shouldn't I be getting an anti hay fever shot?

'OK, that's two triple bacon double cheese burgers with extra mayo. Would you like a will with that?'

Doctor, I looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead. Don't believe everything you read on the net.

"I'm afraid a hearing aid will make me look old."

"Patient. . . seems. . . reluctant. . . to get his. . . prostate. . . checked. . ."

"Why should I want to add years to my life when they all come at the end?"

'You are on a sickie you skiving little...'

"These diet pills must work. My purse is getting thinner and thinner."

CITY CLINIC: 'I want to see whichever doctor is the fattest.'

I'll have a gentle flower chamomile tea. That's a good choice, Uncle Mort. Of course you'd say that!!! You're in the pocket of the chamomile industry! You feed at the chamomile trough!!! Here. Delicious. Thanks. I'm glad you're finally taking the doc's advice and laying off the caffeine. That's what you think! I just swallowed seven caffeine tablets with it!!!! Forget the doctors! Big chamomile is in cahoots with big medical insurzzzzzzzz. Addiction is an ugly thing.

'Seems like we're all too old, unfit, overweight. . .'