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Devils and Angels

"Approaching 10,000 steps."

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

PSA Banter.

'The doctor's gonna have to wire your mouth shut for a month... but guess what! If you're brave, I'll give you this lollipop when he's done!'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

I'm trying to read your test results from urology, but their server can only stream them a little bit at a time.

'He licked all my tongue depressors.'

"The saying Use It or Lose It isn’t referring to one’s appetite."

Now that you have a heart, you really should switch to polyunsaturated oil.

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

'I'm even starting to watch Lifetime.'

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

"I know — but he was nervous and his support dog didn’t seem to mind."

"I haven't lost any weight after two weeks of dieting, but my hair's getting thinner."

'You've still got the right stuff, only now it's in the wrong places.'

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

"You need to do less talking the talk and more walking the walk."

Extremely Practical Jokes.

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

"The cape comes off too."

'Great news, Methuselah Tests show you'll live to be 100!'

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

"If it's nothing serious' why did you put on five pairs of gloves?"

Diet Books: Fiction/Non-Fiction

Hello-BUNS OF STEEL?

"First you leave me in the waiting room for two hours before I can see you... then you tell me I've got to watch my blood pressure!"

Prostate Exam Second Opinion

Doctor to overweight patient: 'I assure you, stomach stapling is quite routine these days.'

'But I think shopping three times a week is more than enough exercise!'

Full System Scan

"Take up some light exercise or a sporting activity - as a football perhaps."

"Good news, Mr. Pickett—it's just a slow leak."

"You're flying a little bit right now, aren't you?"