Head Waiter T-Shirts

'Your table should be ready in a few dollars.'

"Are we dining in the 'Tolerating the Status Quo' or the 'Mad As Hell At Everything' section tonight?"

"Captain, this Brie is totally out of control!"

Waiter' You betta stop that food fight, you SILLY fools! Here comes the Maitre D' !'

"We brought him into oversee our millennium menu...he did such a good job on the last one"

'No tables are available at this time. Would you be interested in take-out?'

Inhospitality Tent

'He said it could be about 45 minutes, do the global economic slowdown.'

"Are you the Maitres d'? Can you recommend a species?"

"We've heard that you've been saying 'All set?' when you should be saying 'Is everything O.K.?' and 'Is everything O.K. ?' when you should be saying 'All set?'"

No Flash Photography of Meals

"How can you be out of wings?"

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Stephen and I are today's special."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

Counting ribs

'You wanna play another round?' 'Sure....tender, another round!'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

"The fish sticks here are very good."

'Your French dip, sir.'

Diner.

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

'A cheeky red?'

"Even the waiters here are organic."

'We have 800 beers on tap. If you want to hear all of them, you'll have to get here earlier, we close in six hours.'

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"