Green-thumbed Warriors Pillows

'He's doing much better this year. Last year he only planted two tulip bulbs before his back gave out.'

Something Wilted This Way Comes.

The Endless Battle of the Organic Gardener

'We use to tiptoe through the tulips. . . now we just waddle through the weeds.'

'I used to do that, but it just grows again.'

"No! I want to live! I want to live!"

"Matthew, did we agree to adopt a whale?"

"Bob! Your manure's here!"

"If we do hire you, will you promise to bring a bag lunch and dispose of the bag in the proper receptacle?"

'I've found a spade I like Julia...'

'I'll just put them here until the danger of frost passes - probably next April'

-A garden uses a lot of water. -Most of it perspiration.

'Don't you think it's time you tackled the wandering dew?'

"Oh no, it's Flash Garden!"

Showing gardening tools to a tower block.

'He's made an eco-friendly bamboo bike... unfortunately all the tomato plants have fallen down.'

'See I told you the garden was big enough for a table and chairs.'

"What are you growing?"

'Oh my Gawd! He's a weed!'

Argument between Disposable or Washable Nappies

"Oh god, here she comes again, insisting she's helping."

This plant is a lousy malingerer!

'I'm saving up for a hedge.'

'Those showy blooms are very susceptible to pests.'

The Fireside Jungle: Beware of introducing pest into the house with new specimens.

'Grow you son of a bitch!'

Protecting the green

"911?... Guinness Book of World Records?... 911?

You'll need all your energy when you get home.

How many trees were cut down to get the paper necessary to print your book?

Hell's Allotment Holders.

Gardener's Calendar: Look out for damage by hail.

"It's weeder's elbow."

"Miss Daniels! Get in here! The sansevieria trifasciata is budding!!"