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The Smartass Phone

"No way. Lando, my friend. Lando." "There's no way Lando Calrissian was a better betrayer than Alex Krycek." "Ask any passerby on the street. 9 out of 10 of them won't even know who Alex Krycek is." "That's utter foolishness. Everyone knows Alex Krycek. He was basically the X-Files' anti-Mulder. He could out-weasel Billy D. Williams any day." "Stop!" "When men start arguing over which fictional character was a better betrayer, they have officially run out of things to talk about." "That Kr

'One more for me an Tiffany, and one more for you and the road.'

With the popularity of spell-checkers, many people are turning to the new speech-checkers.

"Thanks for your offer, but in our company we still have a perfect information and communication system. It's called water cooler talk."

'I like you, Susan, you have an intuitive interface.'

the Morning Joe team.

"You know that on-line romance you've been carryin' on? Well this here's Samantha!"

Social media messages

"Yes, we now have smart mirrors that can read your mood."

"Wow! I never knew the Vancouver Island marmot is among the rarest animals in the world! Pretty cool, huh?"

A Stray Curmudgeon in a Field of Perennial Optimists.

"This is a 'warts and all' biography with some really great warts."

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

'I just got off the phone with my long-time writing partner who's bringing over my deathbed confessional masterpiece. In the meantime, who's up for some idle chit-chat? How about all this rain we've been getting, huh?!"

'...the next train arriving at platform one is the 10.45 fast service to orgasm central!'

'I'm having trouble with drinking. . . I'm getting Arthritis in my elbow.'

'The reason I never finish my homework is that I spend too much time tweeting about how I have too much homework.'

'Sorry, dad, I'm so busy chattin' with friends I just can't work.'

MAN OF THE YEAR, 'You must come here a lot.'

'No, I don't like them, their shirts make me look fat.'

'The bar's famous for its high spirits.'

'My name is Kerry and I'm an email-aholic...'

"We're very worried about Huawei and exactly how to pronounce it."

'Did you see iPlayer last night?'

"I put an olive in my beer and turn it into a health drink."

Nethead strip: Psycho analyst

"Wine improves with age."

"He said his first word today - pubbies!"

Airport Literature

"After so many years of marriage what are you getting for your anniversary?"

"So how are the cut-backs affecting your department?"

"I realise you're used to talking to me on the chat line, but would you mind not moving your fingers like you're typing everytime you say something."

How Cartoonists Get Ideas

"Quick, let me through. I'm a gossip."