Gallery Tour Pillows

"I think that's one of his early 'blank canvases'. I think there are some bigger ones in the next room."

'The way the eyes follow you is uncanny.'

Nothing like traveling hundreds of miles to immerse yourself in art for the sole purpose of killing time between meals.

The Rise of Modern Art

'Number two. That's the art that offended me.'

'Wow, talk about genius!'

Art Gallery.

"By 'genius' do they mean the artist or the marketing department?"

Sold! For £42,000 to the... No wait - it's the wrong way round!

'It was restored just last year, and changed from an abstract painting to a landscape.'

'I agree, this artist will go far and he should start right now!'

"That must be the artist over there."

'How can they call it modern art when it's 100 year's old?'

Morning and Afternoon Paintings

Woodworms at a sculpture gallery.

Private Viewing

"I like it, honey ... it speaks to what a waste of time your MFA was."

"This piece resembles my subconscious desire to draw spirals on a big piece of paper."

"I'm not an Antony Gormley, I am Antony Gormley."

'No, no....You have it all wrong!'

"It's a great work!"

"Your painting is both original and good. Sadly, the good bits are not original and the original bits are not good."

Who are you?

Francoise Gilot

"An overload -- even this is beginning to look like Kitsch."

The less one gets it, the more it's art.

'You're no Pollock.'

"I like it, Julian — it speaks to what a waste of time and money your MFA was."

"Do I need to know this stuff to get into medical school?"

Understanding art.

"While, yes, I could produce those strokes, I lack the context to position an image in the ongoing conversation of contemporary art as enclosed by capitalist forces."

Jackson Pollock - "Oh no! Someone's thrown paint all over it!"

'I didn't choose art. Art chose me!'