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Gravedigger

"Before we continue, is there anyone else present who has never seen a dead person?"

'Benny wanted a closed casket service...but, since you traveled so far to be here...I can give you a quick peek for ten dollars.'

"This is your first burial at sea, isn't it!"

'While we didn't see Bill Brewster here in his lifetime, it's good to see him here in death. Uh, let me rephrase that.'

Undertaker awards.

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

"Hope you don't mind—it was his last request."

"Could you spare a few minutes to give some feedback on your death experience?"

"His last wish was that we delete his browsing history."

"We will now observe a moment of silently checking our BlackBerrys."

'I told you that something was wrong with your cousin Wilbur.'

"Trust me - he's going to a better place."

'You're sure that's one of the stages of grief?'

'This sucks. Let's try and start the wave.'

'He had bad breath, but I suppose that was better than no breath at all.'

The four hearsemen with the Alpaca lips.

'- and how does the graveyard shift appeal to you?'

Dead Batteries

"Never lend money to anyone over 90."

'I know he didn't pay his bills, but let's get the lien off the coffin.'

'First, let me emphasize that the open casket was his idea.'

"We also have urns, if you want to think outside the box."

"Yes, it's my husband Ron, it was cheaper to get him stuffed than buried."

"He had himself pierced once too often."

Are you sure this is what your husband meant when he said he wanted a quiet send-off?

"Sir, did the piano die?"

'He would have wanted it this way, Molly.'

Undertakers Pole

'But I miss all the funerals we used to go to.'

"Wrong line, buddy."

"But 'Tibetan Sky Burial' sounded so cool."

Checkout.

"No, no, I did not know him! I'm just practicing!"

'It was so sudden. No one's had a chance to tell him.'