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The Enemies

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

'No need for pump action, Al - it's the wife.'

"What's with the Tim Russert act?"

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

'Talking of of big tops have you seen the new barmaid at the Green Dragon?'

'You've got us backward. I'm Vinnie, and my short and subtle brother is Vignette.'

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

"Meanwhile in Dogtown... Put your tongue back in your mouth. And pull up your pants. That’s not what your mom said last night."

"I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5-6 times, just to be sure."

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

"What do you mean, I hardly moved all night? I was constantly dancing around politics, religion and the weather."

I conduct comprehensive surveys - I ask my girlfriend.

The Art of Bantering!

"Have you heard of Murphy's Law 2.0? It's anything that could possibly go wrong often does...as well as a thing or two that couldn't possibly go wrong."

"I work from home because I can’t stand the sight of idiots." "Is that why you got rid of all our mirrors?"

A lesson in wit

"Hey Eric. Do you think they're silicone implants?"

"Remember - you have sharp teeth and claws, but he has sarcasm."

Inappropriate horse whispering.