Food Critic Wannabe T-Shirts

"The Trout Babette was awful, but the Heimlich maneuver was excellent."

Two Amateur Artists At Dinner

'Hey, sourpuss -- I told you to ENJOY your meal!'

Hobson's Choice Surveys

"You call this pigswill food?"

'For one can we have something other than pellets for dinner?!'

"Of course I'm not worried about my wife catching me in here - she wouldn't be seen dead in a dump like this."

'David discovered that the New & Improved Dog Food was more New & Improved than his New & Improved Canned Soup.'

'Your trouble is that you don't appreciate good food.'

You ARE entitled to return a meal...But NOT after you've eaten it!!

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

Doctor checking the health of food.

"Waiter - there's no fly in my soup!"

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Just bring me something that's going to look good on social media."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

"When I was your age. I was really smelly."

Cow's Last Will and Testament.

6 Brothers Falafel

"You said the cauliflower is locally grown – would you elaborate?"

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'Oh, and I suppose I'm the only one who's ever heard it's a 'dog eat dog world'?'

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

Self Service Restaurant: 'Where do you keep the eggs?'

Newton discovers gravity and apple sauce in the same day.

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"Rump roast?"

"Maybe if we added some pumpkin spice?"

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"