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'I wonder if you could shed some light on this department's high 'miscellaneous expenditure' total?'

'Sorry kids, we're downsizing to a flip-flop!'

"I was spreading some risk around, and apparently it all wound up in your portfolio."

'How do I know you'll still be around in a year?'

'Beg.'

'I kind of miss inflation. It was a great excuse to ask for a raise.'

'There's been a big bank merger, sir, so you now have a joint checking account with a Mr. Slavomir Bezparyadok of Zagreb.'

'I'm afraid you're not working out as our risk manager.'

'Could you give me that in dollars, quarters, dimes and nickels? I'm trying to diversify my portfolio.'

Department of Unrealistic Dividend Earnings: 'We realize it is an unnecessary department but the acronym was just too cool to shut it down.'

I wish they'd quit sending my financial statements."

Bank Manager Decides to Give Loan

"You're lucky to have an imaginary friend at all, don't expect stock tips too."

Junk Bond: Back Soon - Out Chasing Yield.

'Since we started reporting our assets in Russian Rubles, our fund sounds a lot bigger.'

'I can't play -- I'm being audited.'

'First the good news - I'm not selling anything.'

'I'm starting to suspect we might be part of a pyramid scheme....'

'After seeing my paycheck, I need an MRI: More Revenue In.'

Here Today . . . Bailed Out Tomorrow.

'Today's stock rise was due to a high pressure system over wall street...'

'Now that I have your attention...'

"The market was up today on massive stock fraud."

"Sorry, but you still owe on your student loans, and there is no defaulting."

"Where are all the predatory lenders when you NEED one?"

'Stop thief!'

Investments Cock-Eyed Optimists.

Day of the Living Quarterly Report Accountants.

'The Fed today announced a tightening in the bank toaster supply....'

'Credit being what it is, I'm sure you won't mind if we see your 200,000 cattle first...'

Inland Revenue - So I said to them - what do you want, the shirt off my back?

'I'd recommend a portfolio of 35% stocks, 40% bonds and 25% dog biscuits.'

'You thought I'd gone out of business? What gave you that idea?'

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

'I'm sorry, sir - you'll have to get somebody else as a guarantor.'