Financial Consultant Pillows

'I don't want to brag, but I have a loophole named after me.'

'We're expecting stocks to rally but we don't know which ones and when.'

'My first piece of advice is not to put all your eggs in one basket.'

'My first piece of advice is not to put all your eggs in one basket.'

'The only way to survive these days is to diversify.'

'My plan is to build a sandcastle here, but right now I'm working on the financing.'

'An expert is one who knows tomorrow why the things he said yesterday didn't happen today.'

"We'll find the money for that. My guy is on it right now."

Creative accounting

HMRC Self-Assessment - Poor

Market Analyst with Graphs Labelled: 'Optimism, Pessimism, and Reality.'

'I asked to be placed on the national no-call list for margin calls.'

"Next time be more careful where you put the decimal point!"

'Albert, it was just a nightmare! Believe me, there's no taxman-monster under the bed!'

'The hunting and gathering has worked for you, but as you get older, it;s time to switch to dividend-yielding bonds.'

"I've come up with something that will stop shareholders worrying about dividends."

'Your privacy is safe with us since we don't keep any records.'

"What separates the expert from a normal accountant is the ability to make simple things utterly incomprehensible."

'It is an interesting proposal. The upside is huge profits but the downside appears to be court ordered community service.'

'Don't take this the wrong way but I'm thinking of calling someone in to manage our future corporate acquisitions.'

'Just remember, Eddie, I've always viewed a big dividend as manna from heaven.'

"Thankfully, this year, the results can be attributed to something other than our own gross incompetence."

"If you're such an expert, how come you still have to work?"

'After paying all the experts we hired to prevent going bankrupt we're bankrupt.'

I would like to start a regualr investment program that will help pay my daughter's college textbooks

E.U. Banking Union.

'Loved your bit on market share, Felton - perfect blend of plausibility and outright deception.'

Accountant's Awards - "Our next award is for 'Tax Loophole of the Year'..."

'I can't put my finger on it, but something doesn't seem right.'

"Gentlemen, I'm pleased to say the firm is perfectly positioned to avoid chapter eleven and still be in existence this time next year."

"Here's what you wanted – a strategy to live abundantly, build capital, surpass your peers and disappoint your heirs."

'I'm looking for a kinder word than nose-dive.'

'Bottom line? You're not keeping up with the Dow Joneses.'

"...And how, may I ask, do you plan to invest the loot?"

'Psst. . . tell me about your 'obscene dividend' fund.'