Financial Consultant Pillows

'I don't want to brag, but I have a loophole named after me.'

'We're expecting stocks to rally but we don't know which ones and when.'

'My first piece of advice is not to put all your eggs in one basket.'

'My first piece of advice is not to put all your eggs in one basket.'

'The only way to survive these days is to diversify.'

'My plan is to build a sandcastle here, but right now I'm working on the financing.'

'An expert is one who knows tomorrow why the things he said yesterday didn't happen today.'

"We'll find the money for that. My guy is on it right now."

Creative accounting

HMRC Self-Assessment - Poor

'I asked to be placed on the national no-call list for margin calls.'

"Next time be more careful where you put the decimal point!"

Market Analyst with Graphs Labelled: 'Optimism, Pessimism, and Reality.'

'Albert, it was just a nightmare! Believe me, there's no taxman-monster under the bed!'

"I've come up with something that will stop shareholders worrying about dividends."

'The hunting and gathering has worked for you, but as you get older, it;s time to switch to dividend-yielding bonds.'

"What separates the expert from a normal accountant is the ability to make simple things utterly incomprehensible."

'Your privacy is safe with us since we don't keep any records.'

'It is an interesting proposal. The upside is huge profits but the downside appears to be court ordered community service.'

'Just remember, Eddie, I've always viewed a big dividend as manna from heaven.'

Accountant's Awards - "Our next award is for 'Tax Loophole of the Year'..."

"Thankfully, this year, the results can be attributed to something other than our own gross incompetence."

'Loved your bit on market share, Felton - perfect blend of plausibility and outright deception.'

"If you're such an expert, how come you still have to work?"

'Don't take this the wrong way but I'm thinking of calling someone in to manage our future corporate acquisitions.'

E.U. Banking Union.

'After paying all the experts we hired to prevent going bankrupt we're bankrupt.'

I would like to start a regualr investment program that will help pay my daughter's college textbooks

And then I charged him £5000 for an hour on 'cutting costs'.

'My cash flow? It flows right out of my hands to my creditors.'

'I'm looking for a kinder word than nose-dive.'

"Here's what you wanted – a strategy to live abundantly, build capital, surpass your peers and disappoint your heirs."

'Enviousness, crime, fear... money causes the most of the trouble on Earth. So why don't you just give me all your money and live a much happier life?'

'Psst. . . tell me about your 'obscene dividend' fund.'

"Gentlemen, I'm pleased to say the firm is perfectly positioned to avoid chapter eleven and still be in existence this time next year."