Father's Teacher Gifts

Student with money to teacher: 'It's a c-note from my father.'

"Behold the secret to happiness."

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

'Hurry, wipe it off before Dad comes home!'

The Games Man: Fishing is his sole form of exercise - but he considers it bad form to move more than his wrist when casting.

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'

Louis Armstrong

Prize vegetables.

"In high school, I was quite the star in metal shop."

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

'Let the creepy crawly hunt begin!'

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Her first word was 'paparazzi'. "

Killer Executive Suits.

The Busy Gardener

"I built this tree house for my kids. But it's so private, I've decided to use it as my home office."

"My dad says we eat honey 'cause it has lots of vitamin Bee."

"These aren’t the droids you’re looking for."

"The data looks good, sir, but the vibes are mucho heavioso."

James Bond in a Snow Globe

"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

Scottish Football Fan - "...and please Lord, let the result be against the run of play."

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

"I don't think you're getting enough stress."

I like the Jets...I guess

"A wet winter, but we're making the best of it."

A Good Batch.

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

'Please tell me you're baby sitting?'

"I spilled a red dot of paint, so I painted the whole room so you wouldn't notice it."

"His first out-of-body experience."

'I stay trim because of high metabolism. Theirs, not mine.'

Frank moonlights as a Grill Sergeant.

Self help acupuncture