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Men Parenting

"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

'Another expectant father looking forward to paternity leave.'

"Your children are adorable...and so shiny!" "Thanks. I them in dish detergent."

The Poky Little Pupa.

"I need to know who started it."

'He's bound to wake up sometime!'

'Son, sometimes I think you don't know your head from your tail. Come to think of it, it is tough.'

"How do you know you don't like New York if you've never even tasted it?"

Sperm Whale.

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'Now listen: The big hairy ones are the hunters, while the smaller ones with long hair are the gatherers...'

Chilly baby.

'Push, dear! The child will be late for pre-school!'

'Please tell me I'm adopted.'

'Dad, how come we never see and of them in flight?'

"Sure, Mom, I'll eat first, but then can we discuss my 'overseas adoption'?"

'I did tell you there were speed bumps in this via.'

"I don't think the crackling sound coming from your lower back is as serious as you thought. Just relax and I'll have this Rice Krispie Square out of your back pocket in no time."

'The brown one that smells like an old man.'

'Good one Dad. Imagine your catch if you had bought us REAl fishing gear.'

'Go on Darling, play in the soil-pit for a while...'

"Have you seen my wife?"

'Not today,son-not on Fathers' Day!'

"Michael, do your dinner."

"Can you wangle me some parental leave?"

"No arguing mister! I want you to eat at least one pea!"

Add your kids' ages together...

'Yeachh! This isn't easy when they're not potty trained.'

'My mom invented baths!'

"What happens if you get the headphones in the wrong ear?"

'Until I met your Mom, yes.'

"Is this because I didn’t eat my kale?"

"This dog has wheels!"