Family Doctor Pillows

Dr. Flagg's Worst Nightmare

"Very funny."

"Oooo. That's cold."

'Might be depression. Your tongue is depressed.'

"You need to see a specialer. They're like specialists, but less so."

"...and a special heartfelt thank you to Doctor Phillips whose tenacity and dedication gave the family strength to carry on."

'Take this letter to the undertaker, and I'll send a copy to your family doctor.'

"Your blood pressure is completely normal. Are you sure you're married with children?"

"Jack! I've told you before...just because I'm your family doctor and you live next door does not mean you can phone me whenever you want! Even if my house is on fire!"

"Sounds like a heart attack. Tell him to take two aspirin and call my office in the morning."

"Take this placebo. It won't do you any good, but it will make me feel better."

"I'll tell you my diagnosis if you promise not to laugh."

"This morning you're the expert witness in a sore throat case, and tomorrow you're the expert witness in a paper-cut case."

"Still having problems with the hiccups, Mrs Hill?

"Well, you can tell that David Silva that I said you definitely don't have cooties, Carolyn."

"Natasha cuts diagnosis costs."

"I'm putting you on a diet and exercise program."

"If medical science wants to be really relevant, it would find a way to let me eat all the bacon I want!"

"You've got what's known in the trade as a nasty cough."

"I've got a painful burning sensation in my groin, doc."

"I'm a retired doctor."

GPs urged to take part in a major GP workload survey

"If you don't feel better in a few days give me a call and I'll completely ignore you."

"I get a ringing in my ears."

"Sorry about the long wait, but good news. Other than long waits in waiting rooms, I can't find any other causes for your irritability."

"Just a bug, nothing to worry about."

"How long have I had hand cramps? It started after I filled our you new patient forms."

"I don't know what it is, but I think you can sleep well knowing it's locally grown."

"I keep getting these hot flushes Doctor...!"

"Look – now I've gone and caught your stupid disease!"

"Well, there's nothing wrong with his lungs anyway."

"It's avunculitis."

"The buzzard needs to wait outside."

"I'm not so much interested in 'wellness' as I am 'swellness'."

"If I had to guess I'd say your son's acne is the result of a sudden surge of hormones."