Family Circus Survivor Pillows

'Wow! This is the third restraining order this week! That's the last time I plan a family reunion.'

"I don't mind the wheezing. It drowns out the sound of my kids constantly arguing."

"Stinkin' fake news!"

"I suppose you think that's funny."

The relay race

'Cold hard facts are good, but to complete the picture, here's Brenda from the mailroom with some hot, juicy gossip.'

Parental Training Course

'officially, I'm on leave, but I'm really just ducking the media.'

"That's impressive, but I asked you to roll over."

'I've never met such a heartless, gutless and brainless board of directors!'

Police Log

"Hah, good luck to them when they try to flush THAT!"

"Working" from home

'That's the worst case of fleas I've ever seen...!'

'I've had it for the last seventeen years.'

"Young Master downright lied to Mistress! I can smell he didn't use soap or shampoo when he took his bath!"

"Yes, mom, we're all getting plenty of exercise."

'Oh my god, I forgot I had children.'

"Kids, could you do Mommy a huge favor and go really far away from me? Thanks."

'It wasn't the baby's crying that kept me awake last night...it was my husband's.'

'You won't count my trunk as a carry-on; I have to buy two seats because of my size, and you don't give out complimentary peanuts? Isn't this a jumbo jet?'

"We've invested heavily - If not always wisely - In talent."

". . . and if your kids have been driving you crazy today, just remember one day soon they won't even want to know you. . . and exhale. . . ahhhh."

"Oh no, you do not walk away when I'm talking to you!"

'He's ever so good with children.'

Discreet Hair Removal Ends the Career of the Bearded Lady.

"Five minutes, everybody!"

"It's just a phase."

Hello, you have reached the Johnsons. All of our family members are currently busy sharing the events of their day. Please continue to hold, and the next available 4-year-old will be with you shortly. Machines Programmed for Telemarketers.

The perils of working from home

"And to think 'roll over' used to be a big deal."

Tattooed Lady

'...The world does revolve around our child!'

'The tides have finally turned. Our daughter is losing sleep over us.'