Executive Humor Enthusiast Pillows

"I've never taken anything I didn't feel a tremendous sense of entitlement to."

"You're an overweight, overpaid, over-the-hill senior executive, Dalrymple. What did you have in mind to remedy that situation?"

'I need to snoop around, ask questions, get in touch with my feminine side.'

'I want to go corporate so I'll have a place to hide the jet.'

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

"I'm afraid 'It's a surprise', doesn't cut it as a growth strategy."

Spot the difference.

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."

"So then the VP of Sales looks right at me and says 'Larry, what's going on? We don't have any traction in the market.' Like it's MY fault!"

Sign - Halt manager crossing

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

'We haven't improved quality, but we've made it easier to return.'

Please sit down. I can give you five minutes.

"It lost a little something in translation."

You can fool some of the people all of the time - "Send in some of the people, Dorothy."

'Not exactly what I meant by job creation.'

"That's a very difficult problem to address, Ted, could you restate it as a solution?"

'Here's the CEO - Chief Egotistical Official!'

'Now, if you would all put on your glasses, we'll get a glimpse of our profits in 3D.'

'Our strategy is perfect! This is the customers' fault - they don't think the way WE do!'

'Enter His Royal Globalness...'

CEO.

"Our initial public offering, .... The public has gotten wind of it!"

'I hate to let you go, Haskins, but I'm getting a larger car and I need more parking space.'

'I was speeding right along toward my goal of moving up from middle management, when a cost-cutting measure overtook me!'

'As you can clearly see, our profits continue to climb well into the third quarter.'

'I want a win-win situation where both wins are ours.'

"First Big Oil, the Big Steel, and now, Big Cookie."

"This is our new head of conflict resolution."

Change of management - warning about revolving door policy

'You may have found more new customers than the other salesmen, but your profits are too small! Stop just pulling in peanuts, Barry!'

'Stocks plummeted today, on forecasts that tomorrow will be warm and muggy.'

'What do you mean our mailroom has gone public?'

"As your new CEO, I hereby change 'deadline' to 'soft squiggle.'"

'If you don't pay us, I'll tell all your creditors you have.'