Estranged Father T-Shirts

"That was generous."

Absent Father's Day

"Behold the secret to happiness."

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

'Hurry, wipe it off before Dad comes home!'

The Games Man: Fishing is his sole form of exercise - but he considers it bad form to move more than his wrist when casting.

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'

'Let the creepy crawly hunt begin!'

"In high school, I was quite the star in metal shop."

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

Killer Executive Suits.

Louis Armstrong

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Her first word was 'paparazzi'. "

Prize vegetables.

The Busy Gardener

"I built this tree house for my kids. But it's so private, I've decided to use it as my home office."

"My dad says we eat honey 'cause it has lots of vitamin Bee."

Scottish Football Fan - "...and please Lord, let the result be against the run of play."

"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

"The data looks good, sir, but the vibes are mucho heavioso."

James Bond in a Snow Globe

"These aren’t the droids you’re looking for."

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

"I don't think you're getting enough stress."

I like the Jets...I guess

"A wet winter, but we're making the best of it."

A Good Batch.

'Please tell me you're baby sitting?'

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

'I stay trim because of high metabolism. Theirs, not mine.'

"I spilled a red dot of paint, so I painted the whole room so you wouldn't notice it."

"His first out-of-body experience."

Frank moonlights as a Grill Sergeant.