Employment Counselor Pillows

"I know you're a working dog, Angus. I just don't have anything for you right now."

"Apparently, fifty is the new unemployed."

Opp'y of a Lifetime

"I'll have to get someone younger to look at your résumé. I'm not fluent in emoji."

'I need to find you a company with strong anti-discrimination policies...'

Beggar has left a sign reading 'Back in 45 minutes'.

"Oh, I'm comfortable with a job offering minimum security. It reminds me of my last 4 years in prison."

'You were fired from your last job when they caught you putting artificial sweetener in your coffee.'

"Wow! Good news - the line is getting shorter!"

"Does it look like I am actively seeking work?"

Career tips $1.

'I asked my boss if I could use him as a character reference...'

Your position has been outsourced, Blue bottle...if you wish to continue working for us...may I suggest relocating and taking a 600 pay cut.

'Did you have a job before you received incapacity benefit.' 'Does walking with a limp count?'

'I see. But apart from the 'caped crime-fighting', you are, in fact, available for work.'

'This is called waiting by the phone for months.'

Man to run supermarket (out of town)

"I'm afraid the only thing we have in your line of work at the moment is a bingo caller in Milton Keynes."

'It was my unfair dismissal claim cap.'

"So, Mr. Igor - why do you want to be a laboratory assistant?"

Grim Reapers at the Job Centre - "Any work in the last two weeks paid or unpaid?"

Sign reads: 'Born dead. Please help!'

"Oh, as long as he needs you, Santa's a great guy. But once things slow down and he wants a little vacation time with Mrs. C., it's 'goodbye North Pole, hello crappy temp job!'"

"In your condition, all I have is a job at the stripped club."

Personnel. Now, I want you to forget everything you learned in school. I'm way ahead of you!

"You get five paid sick days and two disgruntled days."

"We have very little need these days to employ a cudgel."

"Thank you for calling the unemployment office. No one can take your call right now, because we've all been laid off."

Automatons Unemployment Office

Employment Counselor. That's terrible! What kind of company fires you for taking a day off? A calendar company.

Employment Counselor. I lost my job as an accountant --- I could never remember which numbers to crunch and which numbers to massage.

employment Counselor. Why did you write "Sitting in a chair" and "Polka-dot, extra large"? It asked for "present position" and "brief description."

Employment Counselor. So, you quit your job as a trapeze artist when you lost your partner? That's right. I didn't want to work without Annette. (Published originally on Dec. 16, 2002.)

'Find me a war, and I'll get out of your hair.'

'You're overqualified... so you'll have to act stupid.!