Doggy Doctor T-Shirts

'Nonsense, Melvin! Who ever heard of a tapeworm that big?'

"...and what really makes this story scary is the kittens got lost in the woods before flea and tick products were invented."

"I have your gender reveal results. Boy, girl, boy, boy, girl, girl, boy, girl, boy, boy..."

"Congratulations! It's a bitch!"

'No.... My cat doesn't like being given pills either...'

"Who's got excellent kidney function, according to this most recent round of tests? You do! Yes, you do!"

Dog in hospital pushes bone-shaped IV,

'If you don't notice an improvement after a few weeks, we can try a different cone.'

Child Brings Teddy Bear to Vet

An inbred poodle.

"How did you cure your dog of begging for food?"

'Ta dum deedee dum -- DUM -- Bloop -- Fsst, tra la,,,'

Self-Employment

"Good news—it's not colon cancer, it's tinsel."

'The nice thing about group practice is that two minds are better than one.'

"May I keep my collar on?"

'Let's play alternative health provider.'

'Worst case of Prickly-Heat I've ever seen!'

'They should have extra-small thermometers for Yorkies, Doctor!'

"He's so old I usually let him do what he wants."

'You treated his ears last year, but I guess the medicine didn't work because he's still shaking his head!"

"In my practice, I prefer to treat the whole hog."

'Sweetheart, Danny can't come home right now... I'll take a look at your doll baby this evening then probably schedule some tests.'

'While you're 'fixing' my private parts, could you give me a loaner pair?'

'Let's see...fever, rhinorrhea, chorea...Aha! canine distemper!'

"We had him neutered,"

'The vet did it.'

Vet checks fish's heartbeat with a stethoscope through fish bowl.

'No, I'm sorry. I'm Doctor Ford and I do the large animal work....'

"But You Knew I Was An Animal Doctor!"

"I'm a highly skilled service companion specifically trained to help people with disabilities such as visual impairment, PTSD and other disorders."

'Any other symptoms besides difficulty in marking your territory?'

'You're lucky you can't read.'

"I'm their pet. They love me. They'll do anything for me. They cut my balls off."

"I admit I haven't treated many possums, but I suspect he's just faking it."