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Ghostwriting the Bible

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

"Mrs. Marsha Mullhouse, of Kenosha, Wisconsin, asks, "Are You subject to the laws of physics, or are the laws of physics subject to You?"

'Are you sure You can be objective? -After all, You did CREATE them.'

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

"I wonder how many people are claiming to be your messiah right now?"

"Mr. Pope, please give this summons to your boss. The prosecutor wants to know how god can allow so much misery."

Community church - the home of religion lite - Sermon: 'Atheism? You may be right!'

"He really isn't bad, per se, but he is kind of a jerk."

"If everything is God's will, tell me again why I need to study for exams?"

A not-so-happy God, with the Humans, sticking an Eviction Notice to the Earth

'Thou shall not covet the neighbours same sex partner.'

"I'm an agnostic now that I've started having self doubts."

Chief Foreign Policy Advisor to President Obama.

"I need someone well versed in the art of torture- do you know PowerPoint?"

'It's true -- we DO communicate better in a chat room.'

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

'Just one God? - But won't he be outnumbered?'

"Instead of Red Team and Blue Team, why don't we make it Good v. Evil?"

It's true. Some days I feel like creating a miracle, and some days I just feel like helping a dude catch a touchdown pass.

'I'm all tired out from creating - let's just use NATURAL selection from now on.'

"This is a little embarrassing to admit, but everything that happens happens for no real reason."

If Peter had only interpreted Jesus' words literally...

"Well, son, in a way, I suppose Jesus was a trust-fund baby."

"I stand corrected..."

'When did 'At Ease' become 'Chill'?'

'If we have everlasting life, what about entropy?'

"Hey, this is a good bit- did I say that?"

'Oh, I believe in God -- I just think that he's overrated.'

God's Fly Swat...

'Flying fish? - I TOLD you there was too much background radiation down there!'

"To find out if God exists let's ask an expert."