Dining Critic Prints

"Would the gentleman prefer an antidepressant?"

"If you represent special interests, I can seat you immediately."

"Now, who ordered the salad?"

'That's not yesterday's soup, it's vintage soup.'

"Would you like to see the markup?"

"I take it everything is NOT all right."

"He doesn't get the check until he really commits to the pantomime."

"Too rare, perhaps?"

'It won't be long now, sir. The chef has already sent the chicken a death threat.'

Diner giving shirt off his back to waiter on receipt of bill.

I remember your lousy tip. Enjoy MY trickle-down theory.'

"The spaghetti is too al dente!"

'In case of emergency, break glass.'

'What wine goes with rubbery steak and cold vegetables?'

'I was bringing your businessman's lunch, sir, but a Government bureaucrat confiscated it!'

'Is there a money back guarantee if the burrito isn't as big as your head?'

'If you'd care to wait a few moments sir, all our toothpicks are currently in use.'

Tipping in Restaurants

"I appreciate your enthusiasm in serving me but I never tip more than 15 percent."

"Before sir orders, I must point out that we don't have any, 'all you can eat' offers."

"That tasted like s**t. We'll have another order of it."

A man walks past a cafeteria that has a sign in its window that reads, "Courteous and Efficient Self-Service".

There's a fly in my soup!

'First of all, the menu is plastic.'

'You are quite right, the soup is cold.'

Australian wine waiter

'Your waiter will be happy to point out our organic dishes if sir is feeling particularly gullible.'

'Why the free meal?'

"The fish sticks here are very good."

"Hey, …. what's not to like?"

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Just bring me something that's going to look good on social media."

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."