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"And more intriguingly, your prognosis differs depending on which search engine I use."

"I'm getting the hang of the patient portal. It reminded me to refill my beta blocker, but I keep getting ads. Can you prescribe a good pop-up blocker too?"

Cyber-Cise: 'Let's start with 3 sets of 8 reps of uploading, rest and repeat for downloading.'

"My telemedical surgeon says we need to operate!"

"I'm referring you to another doctor's YouTube channel."

"I've been using the latest home tech and apps to monitor my health....And after feeding the results into some online medical sites I discovered I was dead!"

"The doctor says your vital signs are strong, but the IT guy says your portal password is weak."

"So, how do you like your new medical website?"

"I got a gold star for going the longest without looking at my phone in class."

"We need to update your entire operating system."

"I'm sorry, but the doctor no longer sees patients in person. But he does take e-mail from 9 to 3."

'Do you want the pill, the suppository, the patch, or the app?'

Man Gives Computer Therapy/

"Just think of this prescription as an app for your body...with side effects."

"Sale. Save 100% of your energy by closing this website. Close now. No, thanks."

Hold on - it may take a few minutes for his new pacemaker to sync with his Fitbit.

Deposit phones here

'This new diet drug comes as a pill, patch, or as a phone app with Siri saying, don't eat so much.'

"Hey Siri, why does my neck hurt?"

M.D. We call it "MySpace Wrist." Stop taking pictures of yourself.

"Take two aspirin and email me in the morning."

'If I do decide to get a second opinion, can I get it at your blog?'

"Well sorry doc, but that's not the reading I get from my digital wrist heart monitor."

"I run a weight loss site, and my friend here runs a bodybuilding site."

"It's the only way I can get some of my patience to listen to me!"

"Everything I see looks like a website captcha. I'm either having vision problems, or I'm spending too much time online."

Going to a split screen doesn't count as a second opinion, doctor.

'Nurse Nodnik will be live blogging the operation.'

"I'm so much more relaxed since I got this mindfulness app."

"Well, if you followed me on twitter, you'd already know your diagnosis."

'I love this RX site - I can look up prices for all of my unaffordable medicine around town!'

"That's the fifth customer this morning - video calling the doctor's surgery because of Covid restrictions."

"What an interesting article about why looking at your phone before bed is bad."

'To see how the ward is doing you just need to use your smartphone to set up a wi-fi hotspot which you can use to download a pdf of the data.'

I'd like you to get out more.