Dealing With Paternity Issues T-Shirts

'Man, I think I'm shooting blanks - I've been on the Morrie Show six times and I'm never the father.'

"His first out-of-body experience."

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

'He has your nose and my ears.'

Low-Energy Drinks

"Trust me, you're not ready!"

"Pay more attention to me? I'm sorry, dear, but Mommy needs you to be more specific."

"Can I have another sausage Dad?"

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

"Remember now, anything is DIY-abe if you just do it yourself."

"Aah! Bless! Look at him on his I-pad!"

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

'You'll never believe the day I've had...'

Growth Charts

"It's a boy, but that's a common one so don't get too excited."

'We found you in a cabbage!'

Baby Screen Time

'This is a fine time to leave! What if the doctor delivers the baby while you're out!'

"We have the exact same taste."

"I made the mistake of telling him that the world is his canvas."

'What did I learn in school today? You'd better sit down.'

'There's a planet in my book with two moons! Imagine how much howling we could do there!'

Polly, want a cracker, but Polly need a glass of wine.

A postwoman delivers mail together with her baby who is riding in the letter carrier.

Young Gums

"I noticed that since I've been working at home you've been paying me hazard pay. How did you know?"

"Skip the funny voices tonight—O.K., Dad?"

"He won't eat anything but corn."

'It's only 6 AM, but I want to send the kids to Wally's house before his mother sends him over here.'

"I knew we agreed that you could be a stay-at-home dad, but that's when we decide to have children."

"And remember, it's important to wake them up at hourly intervals."

'We're the parents. What we say goes. . . In one ear and out the other.'

"Back when we got him, Rufus was a child substitute. Now he's just a dog."

"I've asked you not to overrule me in front of the children."

"We need to find another fall activity to do with the kids."