Daughter Pillows

Russian Doll Christmas

When Moms Dance

"The kid's good."

"Like that?"

'A raise in my allowance is fine, dad. But what I'm really after is power of attorney.'

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

'Hey Einstein, how about converting some of your mass into energy and getting this place cleaned up?'

'We never should have brought him that little lawyer kit. Suddenly, everything I ask him to do is capricious and arbitrary.'

'Sweetie, when we leave you every day with Sarah, we're doing it for you. That way we can have successful careers and you can be proud of us.'

"Young man, go to your room and stay there until your cerebral cortex matures."

"What the hell happened in P.E.?"

"C'mon, time to get up and stare at your devices all day."

'Why are you giving me an allergy shot. Shouldn't you be giving me an anti-allergy shot?'

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

"Tell us that really scary story again... the one about how they make chicken nuggets!"

"Gracie, just because you understand internal combustion engines...doesn't mean you can drive."

"If they fit, we can return them."

'Look daddy,look! I'm exactly 3 feet tall!' (a child foot getting measured for height).

"What does he know, and how long will he know it?"

International Women's Day

"I'm hoping for a pardon from the Governor."

Principal: You are here, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

"Your father and I wish you would choose a career that's a little more practical and a little less disturbing."

'Just think of it as if you're reading a long text-message.'

'You don't have to worry about my future any more- I just downloaded an entire college education.'

'No, Adam, 'awesome' is not an acceptable choice of what you want to be when you grow up.'

'My reading comprehension is so-so, but I do make up for it with my highlighting skills.'

'I didn't write the book report. I downloaded and printed it directly from the Internet, but I did collate and staple it myself.'

Suzie would later win a Nobel Prize for her Law of Special Social Relativity.

'You always bring me the same thing every year, toys games sports equipment. I never get what I really want!' - 'What's that?' - 'Real estate!'

'You play ball with me and I'll play ball with you!'

Girl to mother: 'Don't call me a teenager. From now on, I want to be referred to as a pre-adult.'

'I'm worried - he says he's having a 'staycation' for his gap year.'

'Thanks, but my homework is a little beyond your skill set, Mom.'

'I really crammed last night.'