Custody Discussion Pillows

"I don't care which parent I get as long as it's the same one that gets the Playstation."

"What's that mark on your arm, Mama?"

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

'She knew we'd try to talk her-out of it.'

"Sure, Mom, I'll eat first, but then can we discuss my 'overseas adoption'?"

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

"...some of these tadpoles may not be yours."

"You got custody of us, mommy, because you're the very best attorney picker."

'No, you can't turn your vegetables into bio-fuel.'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"So which bit do you think was 'nature' and which 'nurture'?"

The Uber Wedding Planner: 'Ok, we're almost there...we just need a clarification on the whether the 'till death do us part' clause is meant literally or figuratively.'

If a motorist came bursting through the doors...would he be up for damages?

'I'm afraid your child support payments will be quite substantial.'

''Honor thy father and thy mother'? -- What about custody disputes?'

"The custody battle could go on for months, and cost you a small fortune. Why don't you just buy yourself ANOTHER dog?"

'This HS2 brief is the kind of work I live for!'

'Guess what? The judge awarded ME custody in today's two child custody cases!'

'Your wife gets custody of the children, and you get custody of the babysitter.'

'I got custody of the kids.'

'Access to the kids? No. I want access to the computer equipment.'

Guardianship of minors

"I'm suing you for false advertising."

Tug of war.

'Since they divorced I'm living with my mom, but every other weekend my dad is entitled to take me for a walk.'

"Okay, these are the documents we need to sue your ex for child support, and if we can convince the court it's not too out off line, to have the words, 'lying, cheating b*****d' tattooed on his forehead."

"Her lawyers were very good."

I tripped just now over by your bathroom. If I took this to court, I could get six figures. But I'll settle out of court for a lifetime supply of free coffee and donuts. We just had a huge earthquake. If you fell, it was probably because of that. You guys failed to think ahead and put in bouncy floors. Get out.

"I'm sorry, Jim. Due to a paperwork error, you now have custody of my kids."

"Interesting. Have your lawyer call my lawyer."

'Son, I want to talk to you about the birds, the bees, and the attorney client privilege.'

Lawyer: 'She got the house, he got the money, and somehow, I ended up with the kid.'

It's time again for my 'State-of-the-family' address.

'The problem is that since the divorce, I only see Little Master every second weekend...'

'He can have custody of the kids as long as I have access to his bank account at weekends.'