Culinary Conspiracist Prints

The Huge-Underground Vat theory of why all wonton soup tastes exactly the same.

"Behold! As I transform this family size frozen lasagna into a meal for one."

Martha Stewart Takes Over The Universe

'A little piece of advice, Verl. . . cut your sandwich loaf on a diagonal . . . that way people will think they're gettin' more.'

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

'As far as we know, no one who has eaten our genetically-modified food has turned into a creature or anything.'

"But you said I should serve our guests the can of peas!"

"It's natural, vegan organic, no additives, preservatives or cooking."

"Listen, that's a Tang Dynasty urn we just broke."

Armstrong, an unmarked truck just delivered a pallet of mystery meat. Turkey. It doesn't look like turkey. It looks more like some sort of dehydrated pigeon. What's it matter? If we slap it in a sandwich, smother it in "gravy," and label it "turkey," customers won't know the difference. Wait, did you just think quotes around the word gravy? "no."

'Nobody does curses like Gordon Ramsay.'

"And here you have a brown thing next to something greenish, with some sort of brown runny stuff underneath it."

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

"Oh -- just scrape it off."

I mean, do I set the oven at 400'? 450'? How long do I keep them in? Do I turn them halfway through cooking? Oh, if only children came with instructions.

"Tonight's specials include beef wellington (long regarded as a major source of cholesterol and saturated fat), Cajun-style swordfish (suspected of containing PCBs and toxic metals), and chicken teriyaki (recent increase in the incidence of salmonella whi

'I'd like to be fed intravenously. I've heard about your hospital food!'

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

"Sure, pal, whatever you say. Ha ha! The salmon is fresh."

"Of course this is a pizza! Man, I've always been a rebel!"

'People soup again?'

"I'll get the onion soup... it's the only thing on the menu that I don't know why it's bad for me!"

Outsaucing - A dollop of sauce has been put on a customer's plate from a long arm from afar.

'This restaurant has got zero stars, right? Every single one of them is well deserved.'

"If they figure out how to clone humans, we're screwed."

Hot Dog... Flavored meat-like substances

'I baked it especially for you.'

'We don't want your business; we just want the recipe.'

'Your trouble is that you don't appreciate good food.'

"Mr. Boyd, are you charged with stealing from Bob's bakery. How do you plead?"

"It's not fair that ice cream melts, but broccoli doesn't."