Crime Story Readers Gifts

"You can't blow up that safe here - this is the quiet car."

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

Round up all the king's horses and all the king's men for questioning.

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

"Stop summoning me about rising sea levels. I do costumed supervillains staling jewels, men in beanies grabbing handbags - that sort of thing."

"Puss in cement boots"

Cat Burglar

'You know bank pens never work. Why didn't you write the holdup note before we left?!'

"'A body at rest'? -- Are you writing murder mysteries now, Isaac?"

'You shouldn't knock them back so quickly.'

Money laundering - shows money flowing out of US vault.

Bernard Madhoff $50-billion Ponzi financial scheme.

Whodunnit. Whoreallydunnit.

"So, just to be clear: the 'voices inside your head' told you to launder the money from forfeited law enforcement seizures in exchange for federal tax breaks for your Uncle Mark in Costa Rica?"

"I felt I could make more of a difference within the system."

'All right pal, just hand over the nose and nobody gets hurt.'

'This could be me and you, your honor. Heading for Las Vegas!'

'I don't know officer: They all look alike to me...'

'Any ideas on motive?' 'Only one, Chief.'

''Rumplestiltskin' sounds like an ALIAS to me!'

'During the break, my client stole my wallet.'

"Don't make me send in the bad cat."

The evidence destroyed

"Homes on Holmes"

"Then leave the horses head in the Futon." Middle-class mafia

"It was Saturday night. The clock on my office wall showed the time to be eleven-forty-five. There are times when a private eye does not necessarily feel like being a private eye. This was one of those times. The elevator door down the hall clanked open with a clank familiar to anyone on the fourth floor who had had an office on the fourth floor for as long as I had had an office on the fourth floor. Footsteps came down the darkened hall and stopped outside my door. They were the footsteps of a

Mafia Short-Term Memory Clinic. 'Fuhgettaboutit.'

'Mark Antony addreses the mob'

The old good-cop, psycho-cop routine.

"Damn it—I told them I was too well known for undercover work!"

Fish mobsters.

"Paper or plastic?"

"We've hit the jackpot! It's Ed Sheeran's songwriting formula."

Moses as a mobster.

Cosa Nostradamus: "Listen, you mook. I predict if you don't pay the vig to the Don by tonight you'll be at the bottom of the Hudson by morning."