Courtroom Comedian T-Shirts

"I see. And precisely what methods did you use to determine that my client was a 'bad boy'?"

"You can't plead cute."

"Isn't it true that you did not love the victim, as you claim, but, in point of fact, feigned affection for the sole purpose of obtaining tuna fish?"

"No, I can't explain it. He was alive when I buried him."

'My dog ate my opinion.'

Lawyer to bad hair lady: 'It's difficult to establish pain and suffering based on a bad hair day.'

"I won't lie to you.Chopin's 'Funeral March' is a bad sign."

"Never mind what I did, Your Honor. I want to be judged for who I am, as an individual."

"Melanie, find me a little pro-bono case to cleanse my palate."

"Remember, we can only afford to do all this pro bono because of how much anti bono pays."

"Before we begin, I'd like to say that in thirty years as an attorney, I've never encountered a more interesting departure from the standard last will and testament."

"Can we, just for a moment, Your Honor, ignore the facts?"

"You've been charged with driving under the influence of testosterone."

"Frankly, counselor, I don't care how stressful this is for your client—tell him to get out of that damn yoga position."

'What makes you think my client is a flight risk?'

"Not guilty, Your Honor, and thank you for asking."

'Your Honor, this does not automatically make him a corn expert.'

'One last time Mr Gallagher, 'what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas' is not, nor will it ever be, an acceptable legal precedent.'

'Well, I've never called an expert witness on expert witnesses before...'

"The sign said buy one, get one free. But I only needed one. The free one."

"My fees are quite high, and yet you say you have little money. I think I'm seeing a conflict of interest here."

'Your hindsight on this case, was far more accurate than his forsight.'

'Your honor, if hiring a lawyer with a track record as bad as mine doesn't prove my client's insanity, I don't know what does,'

"We have testimony that you walk like a duck and you quack like a duck. Tell the court - are you a duck?"

"Not guilty, Your Honor, the menu clearly says 'Death by Chocolate'."

'...In an attempt to speed up our backlog of cases we've computerized the scales of justice.'

'Doctor, in your expert medical opinion, is this lump in my armpit anything to be concerned about?'

'And as a new client of our law firm, you get this nifty neck brace to wear in court.'

Will give expert witness testimony for food

"Oh stop judging me, Gerald!"

"Answer the question with a simple yes or no. You may not 'say it with flowers' in a court of law."

'Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, except if your wife asks if she looks fat?'

'And so 'Your Honor'... if that really is your name...'

'Do you plead guilty or not guilty?'

"Your Honor, wrong robe."