Country Clubber Prints

'He forgot to fix his divots, he plays too slow and he left a beer can on the course. He knew this was a tough country club when he joined.'

"Now might be a good time to talk about your grip."

'Here comes that pompous jerk Phil Wazner...'

'I'm only paid 500 times more than our workers, so it's hard to hold my head up at the country club.'

"I'm guessing this is the first time Jack's had a chance to make par?"

'Which do you prefer being called...'rich' or job creator'?'

'No wonder this club has such a low membership fee.'

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

'Polly wants a cracker! Fetch!'

Miniature Cattle Fanciers

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

Brew 'N' Brouhaha

'I'm 3 years old - that's 21 dog years - so start pouring!'

'I wanted this on the rocks.'

"Oh isn't that your squeeze slithering this way?"

The Walk of Shame

A man plays golf by the sea

"Do kids eat free?"

Sober Tooth Tiger

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil clowns is that good clowns do nothing."

'His 5 hour energy drink timed out. If only he had taken it 3 seconds later.'

"Is this fake noodle." "Yes, impasta."

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

For every moment in life there is a song that describes it perfectly.'

'You know what I really like in someone? Bulk!'

'You had me at OOOO-AARRR!'

A newspaper stand in a rural area.

"Well, the hills were alive with the sound of music...I'm sure!"

A clown has a revelation at the shrink 'And then one day it dawned on me Doc... we're just not funny!'

Gangsta wrap.

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

"I'm going to Bognor next year!"

That's weird - every time I call the self-help hotline, it goes straight to my voicemail.

"...And to my favorite 'Mr. Down On His Luck' relative, I leave all my spare change."