Corporate Mentor Gifts

'Remember, Henderson - Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and you've sacrificed your leverage.'

'...and FRIENDS, say goodbye to FRIENDS. Everyone is out to stab you in the back, don't expect loyalty, I don't even trust my sodding wife anymore!'

"And so my boss decided to take me under his wing, where I proceeded to get sucked into a jet engine."

Mentors make a difference.

"True happiness isn't in the things you have, but rather in knowing what you have is more than everyone you grew up with."

'Why is it that nothing ever gets done at these meetings?'

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

'You forget, I'm a blackbelt in powerpoint.'

'... And some primitive cultures, believed that 'the great ones' modelled us from clay.'

'Now that I have your attention...'

"And need I remind you, the 'art of the deal' is the lifeblood of this company."

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"These projections don't make sparkles shoot out my ass."

"You've got to fill in these forms to join the 'How to reduce bureaucracy' seminar."

Businesswoman Empowerment

"I'm afraid 'It's a surprise', doesn't cut it as a growth strategy."

'When we get there let me do the double talking.'

I've been teaching art history for decades. Students today ask new kinds of questions. No, I doubt a gluten-free menu option was available that evening. Nope, the artist was not making a statement about climate change. No, despite the umbrellas, this is not about sun exposure safety. Well, yes, I suppose you can say it's a selfie.

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

'I'm glad you guys could work this out in a reasonable manner.'

'I have a plan 'B' but that's also dependent on a working projector bulb.'

"Son, it's time you learned the benefits of sitting around doing nothing."

"'Quid pro quo' is a no-no, Bradbury. Around here we say 'reciprocal altruism'."

"Why can't the rest of you be more like Rollins, here? He does his homework!"

'Our parents were replaced by machines - We'll be replaced with new software.'

'The efficiency expert's recommendation is we drink more coffee!'

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

Reach for the Star.

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

Business books - Who's Who & Who's Downsized sections.

"I guess it's ethical. Let me run it through my 'Ethics Check' app."

"It's a memo from the legal department reminding us to (heh-heh), 'keep our noses clean'."

"I believe we've found the weakest link."