Corporate Jester Prints

"No, Thursday's out. How about never - is never good for you?"

"And, while there's no reason yet to panic, I think it only prudent that we make preparations to panic."

"The resolution has been made and seconded that we stick our heads in the sand."

"We must kill this initiative, so let's mainstream it."

'Mind you, I'm not responsible for the entire pipeline ?' just the section that flows through my office.'

'So, now we have ascertained who is responsible...'

'That's our mission statement.'

"I think we're all agreed that we need to focus 110% on meeting strategic corporate goals."

'We're wondering whether you'd fit into our corporate culture!'

"Dislocating your jaw yawning during my lecture on work related injuries is NOT a work related injury!"

'Now, who owns this project?'

'Look, I said I'd bring you the report on micromanaging. Just give me a chance.'

'...the acronym was just too cool to shut it down.'

Chinese Whispers In The Boardroom

'My family? Hell no, those are my clients!'

"Grief takes many forms. But don't worry, we're here to help you fill them out."

'Would you mind if I made a few calls while I carefully listen to your ideas?'

Is that your strategy plan?

'Here's where you give me non-comprehending nods of approval.'

"I hear you worked so many hours you passed out for 20 minutes. I just thought I'd make it clear that I'm not paying you for those 20 minutes."

"I believe the board has successfully achieved its goal of biodiversity."

"Let's go back to the scenario in which none of this is my fault."

"What's important is that we learn from what we must never admit happened."

"Well, I've finished the project on time and on budget!" "That means I've given you too much time and too much money!"

'In these estimates, I've tried, like always, to err on the side of total lunacy.'

'Mergers and takeovers and profits, oh my! Mergers and takeovers and profits, oh my! Mergers and. . . '

"Hey, can I call you right back in two weeks?"

'Doug, Jeremy! Get back in here! The sales graph was upside-down!'

'This memo you sent me is all in caps. Why are you yelling at me?'

'Here you are, Simmons!'

Debt Councellor: 'You'll have to declare yourself a Private Equity Company.'

'We're looking for bold, innovative strategies to pretty much maintain the status quo.'

'By the time we came up with a mission statement, we were out of business.'

Office Canteen: 'Getting in a consultant is win-win for us... we'll get the credit if it's a success - but, if it all goes wrong, we've got someone else to blame!'

Suggestion box: 'Build a bigger Complaints box'.