Considering A New Fitness Regime Prints

"Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body. . ."

Man on exercise bike with dog on treadmill

'What distance! Pity it wasn't the hammer!'

"Daddy, you have to flatten this curve."

Tired executive going into gym coming out gleaming

"Carrots just didn't get me going anymore, so I switched to chocolate instead..."

Yoga for beginners,

'I tried running once, but I kept spilling my drink.'

"Keep goin', Harry. No pain, no gain!"

'If God had wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them closer to my hands!'

Woman on running machine next to a cake.

"The doctor told me I needed to burn some fat, so I'm grilling a steak!"

Very drunk professional cyclist

'But I think shopping three times a week is more than enough exercise!'

"I picked up an exorcize DVD by mistake."

'I don't want you to give up eating entirely -- just the food part.'

'Which program would you like - the use it or lose it, or use it to lose it?'

Please seat to be weighted.

"Since you're a computer geek, I suggest lifting the box the weights came in."

Finally. A home exercise system that really is a clothes rack!

"Your fingers are the only part of you that's in shape. Apparently, the only exercise you get is texting."

"Okay, maybe we should count assembling the exercise bike as your first workout."

'That's way too irregular. I recommend regular exercise.'

This abdominal training board you brought...what kind of instructions did it come with...

'Welcome to the exercise hotline. To start a very low impact exercise program, press #1250 times.'

'Hello line 2, you are through to the keep fit phone in...'

"Sure doc, I can eat healthy tasteless food and exercise until my lungs implode. Or, you can just inject some drain cleaner into my eyeball and save us both a lot of time and trouble."

'You're taking an aerobics class? -- is there that much air?'

"All of my muscle groups are small muscle groups."

'This is not what I had in mind when you mentioned the new fitness program.'

Rodney kicked off his new fitness regime by buying a heavier remote control

'Your first lesson is free.'