Congregation Entertainer Prints

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

'Now THAT'S a presentation! Great delivery, great graphics, and he moonwalks from the room.'

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

How's my sermon. . .

'Haven't seen you in church lately John?'

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"If we could all turn to page 387, turn off your iPods and repeat after me?"

Church restrooms

'We are gathered here...'

'Man, I'm bombing,'

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

"If she has the voice of an angel I sure hope the others drown her out."

'I'd like to attract them with dynamic preaching, but I'm not above luring them with sugar.'

Landing That Tough Account

'See if you can get them to flambe the check, too.'

"Nice sermon. Not too preachy."

Matins 10 AM Open Pulpit

'Only way I can get people in on a Sunday.'

Long Speech Alarm at Company Dinner

The minister's a sub, so we're all going to sing the wrong hymn, pass it on …

'Here's something you need to hear...'

"Sir, booing the Pastor is not allowed."

"Seats in all parts!"

"I didn't say, 'Simon says'..."

Man with Yoyo, "He was never over-lavish at entertaining clients."

'You've all been whining a lot lately, so this week's sermon is from the 'Book of Lamentations'....'

116 DAYS WITHOUT A COMPLIMENT

'Please come down, Reverend Brewster -- We really DID like your sermon!'

"Animal sacrifice isn't necessary, son. Just shake out a few dimes."

"When did we stop saying 'amen' and start giving the 'wave'?"

Bartenders making cocktails

'The boys in accounting used to give me a hard time about ordering a $1,000 bottle of wine - until I invited them along.'

"Is writing 'wait for laughter' on your sermon really necessary?"

"To increase attendance, I've decided to make every Sunday Easter Sunday."

'You'll love the congregation. We're chock-full of sermon material.'