Congregation Chuckle Prints

St. Lukes Church: Pray and Display

Man see a sign on door of Clayton's Jokes & Gags Shopee - 'Please Use Second Door To The Right'

'You will now be presented with your degrees. That is, of course, after you jump through another one of our little hoops.'

'Haven't seen you in church lately John?'

"What!?! I like a nice salad every now and then, too. What of it?"

"If we could all turn to page 387, turn off your iPods and repeat after me?"

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

People on the train reading each other's books - only it's the same as their own.

'We are gathered here...'

"You may now kiss the... Oh, I see you have already done that!"

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

Delivery of Sermon within 30 minutes or your second one's FREE!

Eager to pull a prank on his chiropractor, Dennis taped a bag of potato chips to the small of his back.

Matins 10 AM Open Pulpit

'Only way I can get people in on a Sunday.'

"Sir, booing the Pastor is not allowed."

"You've got to admit, he wears the 'that dog won't hunt' label with a lot of class!"

Man sees line of priests entering Mass Transit Authority.

'You've all been whining a lot lately, so this week's sermon is from the 'Book of Lamentations'....'

Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally. I've topped myself, minion. It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence; we have to simultaneously tear down the competition. Behold my masterpiece. "100 percent of those who drink Coffee King's coffee will die." Best part is it's technically true.

'So, Cameron and Clegg have formed a coition.' - 'Sorry, coalition.' - 'Reminder to self. 'No more cheese before bed time.''

'Sorry, I already have a Comet!'

"Animal sacrifice isn't necessary, son. Just shake out a few dimes."

"To increase attendance, I've decided to make every Sunday Easter Sunday."

'You'll love the congregation. We're chock-full of sermon material.'

'Time's up, chuckles.'

Two doors at the church, one labelled cry room the other snore room.

'The vicar's sermon is running late again!'

"You've got mail! Also, Time, CNN, HBO, ICQ, Warner Bros, Netscape, Sports Illustrated. . . . ."

"If I need to stop smoking and lose weight...what are you going to do about it?"

Yoga - moooooooo.

All Day Parking $1. Leave keys. It may be necessary to move your car to a more convenient spot.

You Will Eat A Fortune Cookie.

"It's my opinion that you suffer from a hyperactive disorder. And when you're done writing that down, I'd like my chart back."

"I'm not on the train today dear, I've got flu."