Complaints Management Prints

"Customer complaints are a 'learning' experience... and the first thing you need to learn is how to use the office shredding machine."

Complaints: "Don't make me angry - you wouldn't LIKE me when I'm angry!"

"I'm afraid I can't do anything meaningful about your complaint, but would you accept dozens of meaningless platitudes about how much we value you as a customer?"

"You have to follow the guidance on dealing with complaints precisely or else the shredder gets blocked."

"How am I supposed to know what I want to complain about before you've even said anything?"

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

'To hear our privacy policy, please tell us you credit card and social security numbers...'

"Providing great customer care is of course important, but shall we start with how you manage forms TG-45S through to NSD-89b."

Complaints Desk

'A word of advice, the squeaky wheel gets the totally organic, 0 trans-fat, soy-based lubricant.'

"I've got your letter in front of me now, sir."

"You gave me the wrong drink. I demand a total refund!!" "OK. Where's the drink?" "What do you mean? I drank it. It wasn't till I was done that I realized it was the wrong drink. The right drink leaves a different aftertaste." "You can't finish the drink and then ask for a refund. That's not how it works." "You didn't tell me that before I paid for the wrong drink. So that's on you." "That's not how it works!"

"Before you speak to the manager, we want to congratulate you on being our one millionth irate customer."

'It's Mr. Stebbins...he's getting back to you with a vengeance.'

Complaints about how we handled your complaint.

'No, we don't take complaints, we SELL complaints.. If the sign said POPCORN, you wouldn't try to GIVE me popcorn, would you?'

Awkward customers.

'Of course I care, madam!'

"True, the fly is not in my soup. But it took one taste of my soup and dropped dead."

'And what seems to be wrong with the sprayer, sir?'

Sharings,,,formerly complaints,

"I heard you are charging a monthly fee for using your debit card, and I'm here to complain!"

'The food's lousy! The water's too cold! The pond needs cleaning! You should feed us more often!'

'I know I can handle the complaint department. I've been married for 20 years.'

Complaint clerk presses button to drop customer through trap door

"I want to complain about how long I've had to queue to make my complaint."

'Every complaint is a 'learning experience', now we're going to learn how to hide them behind the filing cabinet!'

"Jones, we're transferring you to the complaint department. We need someone who's a sorry sight."

"I don't know how you managed it madam, but you have got though to someone in authority."

Customer Service - 'No - I demand to speak to your real manager!'

"Well, I have arranged the pick-up of your shipment, sir. Do you already want to raise the complaint about the miscarriage, sir?"

Complaints department.

"Look, I'm always happy to help customers with their problems. But you're talking to the wrong idiot."

'-and remember,Higgins-it's the fault that counts!'

"Your issue should be simple to resolve. I'll just go and get someone less qualified to help you."