Complaint Comedian Prints

Complain to a bear

'I don't like to complain, Evelyn, but aren't these family reunions getting out of hand?'

"It won't come back up!"

'So there's a fly in your beer — why begrudge a fellow creature a little happiness?'

But the brochures says breakfast in bed! Yes, only if you carry your bed down to the dining room!

'The four scariest words in the English language.'

Flyfishing for dummies.

"What if my inner demons want to write about bunnies?"

"Okay, ha ha, now seriously...Where's the rest of the nuts?"

'Sorry. Your accident insurance doesn't cover that kind of incident.'

'It's not company policy but how about starting on some performance enhancing drugs?'

Minnesota Weather.

"Not to quibble, Helen, but if you look up 'Pathetic Loser' in the dictionary I don't believe anyone's picture is there."

'I thought I'd seen everything, and then my wife came up with tofu fajitas.'

'I'm afraid your conditions shows no improvement over last time, Mr. Ferguson -- you must still be doing enjoyable things.'

"You say that life is suffering, but isn't it also complaining?"

"We only shop brick and mortar because my husband likes to be disgruntled face-to-face when returning things."

'Hello, Room Service?'

'There's supposed to be 56 million bubbles in a bottle of Champagne -- I only counted 54, 325,775.'

The Occupy a Barstool Movement.

"While a cure for curiosity remains elusive, it continues to take a deadly toll."

Great literary festival heckles.

'How'd the negotiations go? Take a wild guess.'

"True, the fly is not in my soup. But it took one taste of my soup and dropped dead."

"One more remark like that, lady, and you'll never get to see this show."

'Do you notice when it's forty below, people quit kicking the oil companies?'

Lactose is Good. Lactose intolerance isn't something you protest against, Ernie.

The Slumber Party.

"Goddamn it Randy, the constitution gives us the right to bear arms..."

'Hey, maybe you need to work on your writing goodlymoreshun.'

Floor Wet When Slippery

"'C-minus'? -- I'd like to speak to your supervisor!"

"Seriously? You refuse to answer based on the fifteenth amendment?"

'You were doing the speed limit. I ofund that suspicious.'

"Want to bitch for one more lap?"