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'We've simplified the control to 2 buttons - snooze and panic.'

"Business is terrible."

"We have ways of making you small-talk."

Complaints about how we handled your complaint.

"Well, yes, it's a routine procedure - if you routinely have someone slice open your body with sharp instruments and then fiddle with your insides."

Performance appraisals.

'If you've already sent in your payment, kindly disregard this friendly reminder.'

"Oops! I just deleted all your files. Can you repeat everything you've ever told me?"

'I hurt my back last week, so I've been put on 'Light Duty' for a couple of weeks...'

"No need to be nervous, now let me find the instructions for this thing."

'I gave it a healthy dose of denial, but it didn't help.'

"As part of our commitment to small business, we are willing to lend you your bus fare home."

'Perhaps you'd prefer to come back another time, sir.'

"Hello Mum .. The Doc wants to know if I have difficulty making decisions. What do you think?"

Although Jeremy raised enough money to feed a small African village for a week, he used eough baked beans to feed a large African village for a month.

"What'll it be, Tyler - your lunch money or heaps of verbal abuse?"

'Is it true? You've been selling your venom to pharmaceutical companies to make anti-venom? Traitor!'

"But mom, all you said was 'get all your stuff up off the floor!' "

"Be honest with me. Do I have bad breath?"

'What is this, some kind of joke?'

'My job is great since I never have to worry about Customer Satisfaction.'

'Our last cell phone call, and instead of getting us help, you renew your subscription to some car magazine?'

"I have 25 patients in my counselling group...Mrs Sherman, Mr Martin, and Mr Martins 23 other personalities."

'At this time, I'd like to point out some of the safety features and emergency exits that our craft is equipped with...'

'Look at you! Sitting there doing nothing - why don't you get a job like other pensioners?!'

He's still in denial.

'Dying doesn't scare me - it's you people.'

"Don't you think you should try to find the Self-Help section on your own?"

'Assuming, of course, that a woodchuck could chuck wood.'

Germs in a hospital ward.

Fish - Catch and Release Stress

'The other foot also Mrs Zipsky!'

'Your HMO doesn't cover X-rays. I'm glad you could break a dollar.'

'May I make a suggestion?'

Break glass in case of emergency.