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'Personally, I haven't learned a damn thing from failure.'

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

'It's a nice idea. A bit rough around the edges but I'm sure it will evolve given time.'

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'

Unpopular Street Signs: Road Work Behind, Speed Jump Ahead, Good Luck, Slow Distracted Adults.

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

'The meek shall inherit the Earth!'

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"Well, look at the bright side, Timmy — you're 100 percent wrong."

Emergency Phone.

'There will be no raises this year since the state now has a lottery.'

"After a long day or remote work, it feels great to change into something less comfortable."

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Bookstore, the Politically Incorrect Guide to You.

'Half-baked beans, low fat variety' "Who says we have no taste?"

"We'll destroy it to the ground ... ...and then..."

"Never mind, Harry. Just remember, the 'Saturday Review' loved it."

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

'My pessimism keeps me optimistic.'

"And finally, I’d like to thank all those people I stepped on and used to get here. I couldn’t have done it without your submissive insecurity and relentless resignation."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

I thought you said Megson couldn't be bought.

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

"Wait, you're firing me?! But I was Time magazine’s Person of the Year!"

'My next selection is a protest song against piano lessons.'

'This year, executive bonuses are tied to performance. You owe us $50,000.'

'I'm being promoted to The Capable Office - he said I'm incapable!'

"I see you also took the road less travelled!"