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"Missing elf"

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

"Bond James, Bond."

"In high school, I was quite the star in metal shop."

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

"I'm grounded. I forgot to delete the car's computer history after we did those crop circles on Earth."

Zombie standup

Showbiz Awards

6 Quarantine-Friendly Fashions

"His first out-of-body experience."

'So let me see if I've got it straight. It was a very large squirrel and your husband is a nut.'

Director/Action Man toy.

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

Dietician to man: 'To address your spare tire we must first get in touch with your inner tube.'

"Why do they do that?"

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

"My emotional support dog ate my comfort food."

"Let's just say I have a pre-existing condition."

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

'As you can see by the pie chart, most of our expenses go to well, pie.'

CSI: Mother Goose Unit...'Hmmm...I'm beginning to suspect that perhaps mister Dumpty's demise wasn't simply a tragic accident.'

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

The first car accident.

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

Fat Kid 10- Eats an ice-cream

I must say a winter wedding certainly saves on confetti!'

'I love your playing....especially when you stop!'