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"Missing elf"

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

Adult Courses. It's so hard keeping the information from different classes separate! I'm talking film history and psychology. I failed a test because I said a "psychopath" is the walkway Norman Bates took home. I also confused geography and aeronautics. I said the "great plains" are located at an Air Force testing base in the California desert. My worst nightmare was confusing the thinks ti learned in driver's education and statistics. But at least I now know it's driving where you must st

"Bond James, Bond."

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"You're losing the audience. Switch to the Powerpoint presentation."

"In high school, I was quite the star in metal shop."

Showbiz Awards

"I'm grounded. I forgot to delete the car's computer history after we did those crop circles on Earth."

Zombie standup

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

6 Quarantine-Friendly Fashions

"His first out-of-body experience."

'So let me see if I've got it straight. It was a very large squirrel and your husband is a nut.'

Unable to raise enough money for a trip to Paris, the Bartlesville High French Club had to settle for three days in Tulsa.

Director/Action Man toy.

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

Dietician to man: 'To address your spare tire we must first get in touch with your inner tube.'

"Why do they do that?"

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

"My emotional support dog ate my comfort food."

"Let's just say I have a pre-existing condition."

Come in, minion. What's up, boss? I'm writing a novel. It's a thriller about an intrepid caf

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

'As you can see by the pie chart, most of our expenses go to well, pie.'

CSI: Mother Goose Unit...'Hmmm...I'm beginning to suspect that perhaps mister Dumpty's demise wasn't simply a tragic accident.'

The first car accident.

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

"I bought it off the therapist who's helping me kick my compulsive shopping disorder."

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

I must say a winter wedding certainly saves on confetti!'

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